Motherhood is Beautiful Chaos

What's motherhood like? I got asked this question recently and I answered honestly. It's beautiful and it's chaotic. I said it was simultaneously the source of my strength and of my vulnerability. Motherhood is the reason I've strengthened my personal boundaries and sense of purpose. Everything I used to agonize over now seems sensless because I have a greater purpose for my energy, my darling baby girl. It has also been a lonely experience in some ways. But knowing that I'm not alone with the feelings I've had since becoming a mother has been comforting. Eventhough we're a culture that celebrates Mother's Day and often girls are given dolls to play with when they're young. New moms are often in for a rude awakening but why is that?

I've been contemplating whether or not I should discuss the fact that as we grow up our own mothers don't really share their experience of motherhood (not everyone woman has an identical experience of course). But I've been asked this question by other women I've known or grown up with who aren't mothers yet. All of them have beautiful amazing mothers. Yet I was asked this question anyway. I'm truly glad I was.

The question just confirmed my observation that our mothers aren't really sharing the straight no chaser experience of motherhood with their daughters. I'm not pointing this out to criticize veteran mothers at all; but to point there should be radically honest discussions about motherhood with daughters. My own mother started giving me advice when I became a mother. The best advice she did give was, motherhood is not for the faint of heart. That's all she said to me. That and motherhood is not for the faint of heart.

I found this to be true through experience. I wish I'd been given a heads up about learning the art of compartmentalizing my emotions during motherhood. You have to manage the emotional labour you give out daily. Then added to that juggling act was trying to balance my maternal responsibility with being a present spouse and maintaining my sense of self. This truly was the most underrated aspect of motherhood that my mother and other mothers neglect to give counsel on. I feel that acknowledging this aspect of motherhood would be so helpful to new moms and women looking to be mothers one day. Why doesn't anyone tell us about that part?

Admittedly a lot of the information I received as a new mom was helpful but a lot of it, at the time, was information overload. I heard about the routine of motherhood, feeding, diapering, burping, and anecdotal stories of what they used to do to sooth sleepless infants. Those bits of info were somewhat helpful. But a lot of it was already comfortable with. I'd helped take care of my nephew, now 18, since he first came home from the hospital. I was truly comfortable and familiar with those aspects.

But the information I really needed to help me was how to deal with my chaotic emotions, anxiety, mom guilt and feelings of loneliness. I can't really say I had post partum depression but I wasn't feeling like myself or happy for a long time. After everyone of my daughters doctor's visits I was given a little questionnaire which I answered and determined that I wasn't suffering from post partum depression. But I still wasn't feeling okay. I had nowhere to put those emotions or how to properly express my angst. Fortunately, I was able to talk to a friend, who was able to help make sense of what I was feeling and I'm for that I'm grateful.

I feel if our mothers were truly honest about their personal experiences of motherhood it would be tremendously helpful, especially about the emotional ups and downs. It would be so calming specifically for first time moms thrown into motherhood. I realize that there is no one size fits all for parenting. However, I feel that knowing your own mother's experience would be more impactful and grounding. What I mean is, understanding where she came from would be helpful to navigate motherhood. It would be a lot better than going in blind.

Although we came from our mothers, we can never be our mothers. But we can learn from their mistakes and their successes. I'm not saying that this would make mothering an easy task. But I'd confidently say it would mitigate a lot of the insecurity, anxiety and mom guilt that moms experience from time to time. Also, knowing fact that our mothers survived the mixed feelings and emotional tug of war that comes with motherhood would be the comfort we'd need to know that we can manage and well be just fine.

It's possible veteran moms don't really have those discussions with their daughters because they didn't talk with their own mothers. They probably don't know how to start the dialogue. Furthermore they were probably all too busy in survival mode and worrying about simply taking care of their families. But I want to start the discussion. I want more honest and transparent discussions around motherhood. Not a reason to complain without offering solutions. But to create a space to relate and release. I want us all to find common ground about motherhood as a journey and not a destination. Most journeys are much more interesting with company.

As millennials grow with social media influence, especially platforms like Instagram (IG). I can see the perception of perfect motherhood created by well curated mommy and mini photos on IG feeds. But we know motherhood isn't perfect, nobody's perfect and nothing is perfect. That's the beauty of motherhood. Our emotions are in constant flux, our bodies change and our hearts grow bigger with love. It's actually the most beautiful chaos but also never ever perfect.

Women we need to talk to each other about motherhood, especially if our own mother's didn't. I mean really talk. Let's talk about the things we silently brood over, the things that terrify us the most and are too afraid to share. Often, we don't share our greatest, fears, challenges and insecurities on this journey. Sometimes I don't blame people because the judgement of moms is real especially in a growing digital world. But again, it's not to complain or air our laundry but to relate and release. At best you help a mom who is feeling out of sorts and disconnected.

That one mom who feels overwhelmed will know she's not alone and what she's feeling is normal. That one mom who feels guilty or that she's not getting it right will understand there's no formula for getting it right. Finally, the new mom coming into the mom game won't be played by expectations about what motherhood should look like. It's just beautiful chaos and we're all just figuring it out together. The end!