Once Upon a Time a 22 Year Old Virgin Judged Me for Being Unmarried and Childless

It's been a long time since I've been able to finally sit down and gather my thoughts in a coherent way. But here goes nothing. I've always understood that being female, being a woman and being young (depending on who you ask) would always put me in a position to be judged. It didn't matter what the circumstances were, someone was going to critique my life.   I have learned that "opinions are like assholes and some are really shitty." But I never took this as an opportunity to throw myself a pity party or somehow feel deeply oppressed. Instead I felt quite the opposite. I've always felt that my life has been blessed, even after all the challenges I've encountered in my young life. I have always felt that my challenges gave me strength, lessons and shaped the woman I am today. I've always been just fine navigating my life. After all, I have an amazing family, I'm privileged to have an education and have been blessed with friends who are interesting and amazing people. The icing on the cake is that I live in the best country in the world.

Despite my life experiences there was always someone lurking around the corner to remind me just how I was not doing life correctly. This came in the form of former colleagues or random strangers who knew nothing about my life or my experiences.  I remember coming to Alberta and experiencing my  version of culture shock.  I was an anomaly in so many ways, I was a city mouse who was just thrown into prairie living. I'd moved from one of the biggest cities in Canada, left behind subways, endless traffic, noise and city sections of cultural enclaves. I made a choice and traded it for a quieter simpler life in the prairies.  But mind you I have absolutely no regrets.

After settling in Alberta I realized that I needed a tribe.  I needed a social network of people I could hang around with after work. All I did was work. I was grateful to be working but I missed the very social atmosphere of Toronto. There was always someone to see, a friend to have coffee with, dinner with a group or going to a lounge or club.  Things weren't organized that way in the smaller towns I was now living in. Also, the lifestyle was just different. A former colleague of  mine describe the town that I lived in like this, "it's like the 1950s came and got stuck."

I know you must have had a mental picture of vintage cars and very well coifed, well dressed women. No,  it wasn't exactly like that, it was a lot less cosmopolitan. It was more traditional, it wasn't unusual to find a lot of people in their late teens or early twenties who were married or starting  families. It seemed like basically everyone I ever worked with was married or had children. In my experience very rarely did I come across or socialize with young singles. So, the likelihood of meeting up with people or getting into the dating scene was pretty bleak, not that I spent time agonizing over being single.  However , I always had my married co-workers, always women, point me in the direction of the single male clients that walked into our office.  At the time, it seemed like social engineering just get me coupled up and eventually married. I always kind of just laughed it off. I was single not sad or desperate.

If I was in Toronto, no one would be orchestrating a potential courtship for me, not even my closest friends or family who knew me best.  I understood that this is just how things were in my new home.  It never really bothered me until I got questioned in a way that seemed a little less curious and more on the judgmental side. I remember during my time as an crisis intervention worker at a women's shelter I was sitting with one of the social workers and we began talking. She was funny, a no nonsense kind of woman with an infectious smile. We talked about various things and one of the things she wanted to know was, "well you're twenty something, not married and don't have children, what is wrong with you?".  I was taken aback but I chuckled and because I can be a bit of a smart ass  I replied, "There's a lot wrong, where do I start?."

This type of interrogation about my "tragic" love life and vacancy of my uterus was not limited colleagues but also strangers.  This time I was at the Market, during the weekend it was the site of the local Farmer's Market and during the day restaurant owners ran their businesses there.  On this particular day I'd come in to listen to some live music. In my mind this was the last place I'd be questioned about my plans for marriage or motherhood.  But of course there is always that one individual lacking the tact or class to allow people live in their truth, whatever that maybe. 

Along comes this twenty-two year old virgin who questions my motives for being unmarried and childless. He starts off by saying, "well you're thirty something, never been married or have kids. Are you gay?" I've been asked a lot of dumb questions but this was the most asinine yet. I didn't quite comprehend why the Virgin was asking me about my sexuality especially since he'd never had sex before. What made this situation even more egregious was that this person identified as  "Christian" and went around in a band singing songs about love. I suppose it was a brand of love that was fire, brimstone and judgement. Even if I was gay, I didn't understand how it would impact the Virgin's life.  Of course, I wasn't as composed and quickly retorted, "What are we in 1952?".  He was visibly embarrassed and the crimson that covered his face was my reward. What a dumb ass!

In retrospect I'm glad that the Virgin had asked me that question then. Thank goodness this question was posed to me before I knew the heartache and loss of miscarriages.  I probably wouldn't have been as patient or composed.  Now that I'm carrying my rainbow baby I feel a lot more hopeful and determined to support women in their choices.  I support you if you don't want to have children.  You are not selfish or deficient in anyway. I support you if you are experiencing infertility or miscarriages hang in there miracles do happen. I support you if you are a mother, you are the living, breathing definition of love. I support all of you because I am all of you.  Whether we are mother's or not people should keep their useless judgment out of our life choices. You are doing life just fine. Lastly, to the people who feel brave enough to question a woman about motherhood, unless you plan to be part of the child's life in terms of financial or emotional support kindly shut the fuck up.