THE POWER OF NO || LEARNING TO SAY NO CAN HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

It took me a long time to realize that I could say no to things and people.  I never realized I had the choice to say no and it never occurred to me that I did. I had always been plagued with being dutiful.  Also, because I was always raised to do what I was told with out question.  I used to pride myself in the fact that I did my best not to disappoint anyone.  If I did disappoint anyone, whether it was not attending a dinner party or  attending some social event I'd feel terrible. I'd spend countless moments agonizing over things and replaying the scenarios in my head.  I was the worst person to myself.  I somehow looked at disappointing people as mark on my level of care. But healthy relationships/situations have balance.  There should be a perfect dance of give and take.   Learning to say no can be good for your relationships.

One thing I later realized later is that people can and will take advantage or your inability to say no.  Some people will also use your own guilt against you for not attending social events.  But the thing you never clue into is the fact that you have the choice to say no. Saying no does not make you a bad person.  There are a myriad of things that could keep you from attending a social event, health, finances or work obligations to name a few. But you have the choice to say no and keep this in perspective, saying no to one social obligation does not mean no to all of them.  Those who care for you and love you best usually understand. Sometimes you have to say no for what's in the best interest of you, be it emotionally, spiritually financially and just for general well-being.

As a teen my mother enlightened me with this little gem, she said, "You should learn to be selfish.  You shouldn't always be the one going to your friend's house."  I also found this tidbit of information a bit odd since it was coming from the least selfish person I'd know my entire life.  So, that little moment of incongruity threw my right off.   But she had a valid point.    Also, very rarely did I have a group of friends at my house.  It's not that she didn't want me socializing, it's just that I was always the one going out to visit people.  But that didn't concern me at the time I just didn't want to disappoint or not make an obligation I had committed to.

As an adult there were other times I found myself in social gatherings or commitments I eventually regretted attending.  I found myself attending bachelorette parties or weddings of people I hardly knew!   The worst is when I went to my first Tupperware party.  I should mention there is absolutely nothing wrong with Tupperware, I ordered some that same night.  But my point is I made an obligatory appearance to a "party" and spent money I really didn't want to spend.  At the time I didn't have a car so I spent money taking a taxi to this party.  I arrived there, I hardly knew anyone there (sounds like first world problems indeed).  Well at least there were snacks to nibble on between awkward conversations.  But hey once your habit not to disappoint becomes practise it is engrained in you. 

Funny thing is the co-worker who invited me the this Tupperware party invited me on behalf of her friend.  That's not a bad thing, she was helping out a friend.  Nothing wrong with multi-level marketing if it's done well.   But let's be real it wasn't a really a party to socialize but so her friend could fill seats and sell Tuppeware. If you think I'm  a cynic there's more.  This same co-worker invited me to an EDM concert but only because the person she had planned to go with couldn't make it and she didn't want to was a ticket; I politely declined. I don't regret a thing either.

Most invites to social events are genuine gestures and if you can make the effort to attend, please go, live your life.  But there will be times when you just feel to drained, physically and emotionally to fake it through a social gatherings.  If financially and mental health prevents you from attending social event.  My advice is to heal yourself first. My personal definition of health is balance and the ability to give and take. Learning to say no can help you in your relationships.